“…Can’t You See It’s Misery, And Torture For Me?
When I’m Misunderstood…
…Try As Hard As You Can…
…I’ve Tried As Hard As I Could…
…To Make You See…
…How Important It Is For Me.”
…From My Heart To You…
…Nobody Knows Me…
…As Well As You Do…
…You Know How Hard It Is For Me…
…To SHAKE THE DISEASE…
…That Takes Hold Of My Tongue In Situations Like These.
…Understand Me. …”
… … … … … … …
… … … … …
… … …
I’ve had this song…
…on my mind for a few days, now.
It’s a song I’ve known, seemingly, forever.
And, yet, it has been locked inside my brain-case, rolling around over and over again.
It’s a song that says a helluva lot, especially to me.
Especially right now.
You see, I’m still dealing with the most common issue I’ve discussed with y’all many times over…
Or, well, a lack-there-of.
I still find myself fighting a personal battle with myself over the whole idea of Love, Loving, Being In-Love, and Being In-Love with someone I probably shouldn’t be In-Love with at all.
It’s just life, I know that.
It’s just a normal thing, right?
I just feel this song says exactly what I NEED it to say.
Exactly what I WANT to say, but can’t.
I remain a man lost in the throws of love and passion.
Time continues to pass me by, and yet my feelings remain the same.
I’m still In-Love.
I just don’t know how much longer I can continue to fight what seems to be a losing battle.
No one loses all the time.
There are always some elated moments of bliss.
Those moments when you’re very Very VERY sure everything is working-out and going your way.
They’re very few and far between, but they’re there.
They do exist.
I know they do, as I experience them.
And I relish in them.
But, it’s simply getting harder and harder to truly feel as though everything really is going to work-out.
I want it to.
I want nothing more than that.
I just don’t know if it’s really going to happen.
I went to bed last night with this song blaring in my mind.
I awoke this morning, and my first thought, again, was this song.
I knew the only way to get it out of my head was to write something about it.
To get it out of me and onto this screen.
And, so, here I am.
Writing about this to all of you.
Not knowing what I really want/need to be saying.
Just knowing that I MUST MUST MUST say something.
Having a bad Reality, at times, is one thing.
Having bad Dreams all night about said bad Reality???
O M F G it S U C K S.
The one place I hope to escape to…
…continues to be one more place I can’t really get to.
I really was a much happier person when I could go to sleep and it was like stepping off into the blackness of space (((because I’d be in such a deep deep sleep))).
Now, it’s like falling off of a cliff into a world of twisted and fucked half-memories.
I try to change my current Reality, in the hopes of bettering my future Reality.
But, when it comes to past Reality, I’m helpless.
We all are, I know that.
…I guess I really need to learn how to change my Dreams.
…HOW DOES ONE DO THAT???
At moments like this, I truly envy people like My Father.
He always told me he rarely, if ever, remembers his Dreams.
I remember the bulk of mine.
And mine are rarely, if ever, pleasant.
Even those with pleasant moments are often still bad Bad BAD Dreams.
It really is ALMOST enough to push a person tooooooooooooooooo far, sometimes.
Sleep is supposed to be restful, riiiiight?
You’re not supposed to feel worse when you awaken of a morning, correct??
And, YES, I’ve had sleep-studies done.
Nothing wrong with my breathing, nor anything else they could honestly measure.
I’ve talked to ((literally)) dozens of shrinks in my lifetime.
I’ve taken every medication they can think of to sling in my direction.
And, yet, here I sit.
Telling you, My Peeps, instead of yet another doctor that doesn’t seem to understand a goddamn thing about Me, nor My Situation.
I don’t want a lot of My Memories.
I don’t want a lot of My Reality.
But, MOST OF ALL, I don’t want to keep having these Dreams.
I accept My Memories.
I accept some of My Reality.
But, I do NOT accept that My “Dreamland” must be tainted.
I can’t accept that.
I won’t accept that.
I’m not altogether sure where this is going to go…
…I am sure it’s going to go somewhere.
So stick with me, please?
… … …
Have you ever been torn, My Peeps?
Okay, I do realize that can be taken sooooo many ways…
(((many of them dirty dirty)))
…so I’ll do my best to clarify.
Have you ever been torn by LOVE?
Knowing you want to be with someone, but knowing you really enjoy the person you’re with at that moment?
…it has happened to me.
It has happened multiple times, honest.
As far back as I could remember, I was generally with one person while already having wanted, and still wanting, to be with a certain someone else.
I get with someone because they’re very special to me, but all the while I have someone else on the front of my brain.
Someone else whom I already love/want/need/require.
Someone else whom I know I probably can never, and will never, truly call “MINE.”
And, no matter how wonderful things might become with the one person, you still yearn for the certain someone else.
Knowing/Hoping/Feeling/Thinking things WOULD be better if you were truly with the someone else.
It’s crazy, I know.
But, I also believe it to be human nature.
I mean, it is, right?
“The Grass Is Always Greener Somewhere F*ckin’ Else, And All That Jazz!”
That’s how that goes, riiiiiiight?
Until last night, I truly was torn.
Torn between the lover I once had, whom is now an exceptionally close friend…
…and the man I’ve loved for over a year, whom isn’t mine in any way except in the ways that should truly truly matter.
I’ve been torn, because I can’t spend all the time with the both of them that I’d really like.
And, honestly, it had become harder to juggle.
Last night, however, I had a long talk with the now friend (former lover).
We discussed so much, it was amazing.
He’s not the easiest to speak to at times when the conversation is of a personal nature such as this one was.
But, last night, he was jovial.
He was kind.
He was insightful.
He was respectful.
And he flat-out told me that he felt things would be better for ME if I really did spend more time with the someone else.
He’s not dismissing me.
We’re still going to see each other a lot.
But, now, I truly have the freedom to spend all the time with the someone else whenever I choose.
I won’t have to dance around and be pissy because I have to cancel on one to see the other.
My friend wishes me to explore things with the someone else, knowing now how I truly feel.
Thing is, all of this took place around MIDNIGHT.
And it didn’t end there.
My friend and I stayed up talking for hours and hours, and it was a truly grand experience.
We watched some “BATTLESTAR GALACTICA” and some “STAR TREK: TNG”…
…and then we watched “DARKMAN” on the Blu-ray.
By 3:30am, I was texting with the someone else.
And things couldn’t be better, at least in regard to all of the before mentioned.
We’re all cool.
So, for the first time in a long time, the tension I’ve felt has lifted.
I feel amazingly contented and relaxed.
Happy to know I didn’t lose a good friend.
Happy to know I didn’t lose the man I love.
Happy to know things are working out exactly as I had hoped, instead of how I had sadly expected.
Expectations can be a major High, or a major Low Low Low.
I was in the midst of a Low Low Low mindset toward my Expectations.
Instead, I was surprised with the elation of everything working out as I’d truly hoped hoped hoped they would.
I finally went to sleep around 5:30am…
…and was awake and writing this by 7:30am.
I know good moods aren’t forever.
They don’t last.
They can’t last.
Not really real ones.
But, for now, I’m into a really good mood mindset.
And I’m really hoping it’s able to perpetuate for a while.
That would be very nice.
I could use more good days.
This is the first time in a long long long time my not being able to sleep has led to something positive.
Insomnia almost always sucks ass.
Last night, it was an asset.
Go figure, eh?
Well, Ain’t It?
Sure It Is.
My Life Has Always Been Of The Odder(er) Sort.
I’m The Guy That Everything Just Happened To.
If Something Bad Was Possible, I Took The Brunt.
If Something Good Was Possible, Chances Are It Eventually Did Happen In Some Small Way.
If Something In-Between Was Possible, Chances Are I Got The Far-Far-Far-Worse Side Of It.
But, I’m Not Really In The Mood To Complain.
I’m More Of A Mind To Quickly Say “THANK YOU” To You, My Peeps.
I Have My Reasons For Saying “THANK YOU” To You, And I Know I’ll Be Talking About Them More And More As Time Rolls Onward.
But, For Now, For This Moment, I’m Just A Thankful Man.
A Lot Of People Have Tried, And Have Done Their Bestest(est) To Help Carry Me Through These Past Few Years.
As Of Late Monday Afternoon, I Was Informed That A Longstanding Battle I’ve Been Fighting Has Finally Been Resolved.
It Has Been Resolved In MY Favor.
My Life Of Hell And Bullshit And Sickness And Poor-Health And More And More Sickness, And Pain, And Suffering, And Blah Blah Blah, And Yakity Schmakity, Has Finally Paid-Off.
At Least, In Regard To This ONE Little Victory.
However, It Makes Me Feel Best Because FINALLY Someone Took Notice That Was In A Position To Do Something About It.
And, They Sided In My Favor.
I Feel An Enormous Sense Of Relief.
The 18,000lbs Elephant, With The 800lbs Gorilla Riding Said Elephant, Feel Lifted From Me.
Now I Just Need To Get This Pesky Monkey Off My Damned Back…
…And Perhaps This Chip Off Of My Shoulder…
…Oh, And The Thorn In My Side…
But, Yes, “THANK YOU” Again, Everyone.
Now, Maybe Life Really Can Start Again.
Or, Hopefully, Continue Just Improving And Improving, Bit By Bit.
That Would Be Most Acceptable.
…And Tonight It Has Really Snowballed Into A Very Deep Depression.
I Know Most Say You Shouldn’t Write For Publication At Times Like These, But, In This Case, It Can’t Be Helped.
It’s Not Your Usual Depression About Your Usual Mundane Bullshit.
Not This Time, Anyway.
For Those Of You Whom Have Read Me For The Past (almost) Two Years, You Know That, While I Do Acquaint Myself With Other People On Occasion, I Generally Spend Most Of My Time Alone.
I Live In My Head, And Am Generally Not The Best Of Company.
I Tend To Be Really Quiet,,, ,,,Except When I Laugh.
I Get My Money’s Worth When I Do Bellow Out A Jolly One.
Aside From My Eyes, My Best Feature May Actually Be That Laugh.
I Even Snort… …On Occasion.
That Generally Means I’ve Laughed Too Hard.
Sadly, Aside From The Time I Spend With Someone Very Special To Me, I Tend To Not Laugh At All.
I Giggle A Bit… …But It’s Internal.
Outwardly, I’m A Tad Cold.
The Problem Is…
...As It Always Is In My World...
…Knowing Some Of Those I Love Most, Are Those Whom Don’t Really Share The Feeling.
I Constantly Get The Feeling Other People Lie And Say They Enjoy My Company, But It’s Only Because They Truly (deep down) Feel Sorry For Me.
Seeing Me Makes Them Realize How Grand Their Life Has The Potential To Be, And Might Already Be.
I’ve Failed At Every Venture I’ve Ever Undertaken.
Every. Single. One.
…I Did Win A “First Place Superior” In The 6th Grade Science Fair.
But, They Gave Out Like 10 Of Those.
So, Honestly, It Never Felt Like A True Victory.
Anyway, Sorry, I’m Drifting.
The Point Is…
…I’ve Been The Saddest Boy In The World For The Past 48-Hours, And It’s Literally Driving Me Crazy.
My Thoughts And Feelings Have Been Running Rampant, And They’re Literally Driving Me (even more-so) Crazy!
Can I Pinpoint The Biggest Issue?
Can I Do Anything Whatsoever To Correct Said Biggest Issue?
Not. At. All.
I Know They Say You Shouldn’t Worry About What You Can’t Control, But Piss On Them.
They Just Don’t Get It, Or Are Lying To You AND Themselves.
I Can’t Control How I Feel…
…Yet It Constantly Worries The Everlasting Shit Out Of Me.
You Want A Little Detail?
I Have TWO (2) Best Friends…
…One Straight, One Gay.
The Straight One I’ve Known Since The Age Of 2yo, And We’ve Been Best Friends Since The Age Of 10yo.
The Gay One I’ve Known For Three Years…
…And I’ve Been In Love With Him For The Past Two.
That’s What Has Me So Depressed, Kiddies.
The Fact That I Can’t Get Myself Over Those Extra Feelings.
Loving Someone Is Important, Especially Someone You Call Your BFF.
But, Being IN-LOVE With Said BFF???
O M F G
I Don’t Even Know Where To Begin On How That Feels.
For The Most Part, It’s A Mix Of Extreme Joy AND Extreme Pain.
I’ve Loved Before, Sure.
I’ve Loved Many People In My 30+Years On Earth.
But, Never Like This.
Never This Strongly.
And, Yes, I Already Know It Has Very Little Chance To Become More Than What It Already Is…
…More Than What We Already Are.
Yet, I Don‘t Waiver.
I Don‘t Stop Feeling As I Do.
I Don‘t Stop Wanting As I Do.
Needing As I Do.
It‘s Killing Me.
It‘s Crushing What Spirit I May Have.
Yet, I Don‘t Waiver.
…You Tell Me, My Peeps…
…Am I A Fool, Or Just Being Foolish?
There IS A Difference, You Know… …Riiiiiiiiigh???
My Curiosity Abounds, Kiddies.
Honestly And Truly It Does!
…And Of That There Can Be Little Debate.
Granted, There Are People Whom Can AND Will Debate Anything AND Everything.
To Those People, Honestly, I Say…
“More Power To Ya.”
To The Rest Of Us Whom Teeter-Totter On The Edge Of The Before Mentioned “Feeling Brilliant” AND “Feeling Foolish” There Really Isn’t Much To Say Other Than…
“It’s Called LIFE. Deal With It. If You Don’t Get One Outcome, You’re ALMOST Assured To Get The Other. It’s Called LIFE.”
2013, Now More Than Half Over, Has Been A Year Filled With BOTH Feelings/Mindsets.
I Do Admit To Having A Few Truly Brilliant Moments, This Year.
True, They May Have Been Situations Where I Was Confident In The Outcome Ahead Of Time AND Was Thus Proved Correct.
But, Honestly, That Feels A Touch Beside The Point.
At Least, For Now.
Sadly, However, 2013 Has Felt More And More AND MORE Like A Year Of Foolishness On My Part.
You Name It, Chances Are I Can Equate Whatever It Is Into Yet Another Foolish Moment For Yours Truly.
But, And I’m Curious About This In Many Respects, What Truly Is The Fine Line Between “Brilliance” And “Foolishness”???
Sadly, I Keep Coming Back To The Same One-Word Answer…
If Something Is A Winner, Chances Are You’ll Be Overtly Contented.
You’ll Be Feeling The Wondrous Side Of A Success, Regardless Of What It Is.
You’ll Most Likely Even Feel A Flash Of “Brilliance” Wash Over You.
…What If You Fail???
What If There Is No Real Success In Whatever It Is You’ve Attempted???
You’ll Be Feeling The Vile Side Of A Lost Chance At A Success…
…And Of That, I Sincerely Have No Doubts.
You Won’t Feel Any Waves Of “Brilliance” Afterward.
No, You’ll Be Feeling As I Do Most Of The Time.
You’ll Be Feeling Like A “Fool” And Feeling Listless In Wonder As To Where You Went Wrong.
I Think That’s Why I Love Baseball So Very Very Much.
It Truly Is More About Failure And Loss.
At Least, More So Than Anything Else.
Winning Is WONDERFUL!
Losing SUCKS ASS!
But, You Don’t Learn Much From Winning, Other Than The Elation Of The Actual Win.
You Do, On The Other Hand, Learn So So SO Much More From Defeat.
Now, I Know You’re All Waiting For Me To Divulge Some Of Said “Foolish” Moments, But I Don’t Really Think I Can.
Not Without Getting Myself, Or Others, In Trouble…
…Be They Person, Or Entity.
Honestly, The Moment I’m Going To Briefly Mention Is A Combo Of BOTH “Brilliance” AND “Foolishness” Like You Wouldn’t Believe.
You See, My Peeps My Friends The Kiddies, I’ve Been Living Through A Self-Imposed EXILE For Almost A Month, Now.
It’s Honestly Killing Me.
I’ve Never EVER Felt So Alone In My Life.
Hell, I Spent A Couple Months In Boot-Camp, Which Was About The Loneliest Time In My Life…
I Feel So Alone Because I’ve Simply Been Toooooooooooooo Damned Embarrassed To Be Around Other People.
Other Than My Immediate Family, Only ONE PERSON Has Seen Me AND Spent Time With Me While I’m In This Condition.
For Those Of You Whom Don’t Know…
…I FINALLY GOT MY ORAL SURGERY!
I Got It Last Month.
I’m Literally About Two-Weeks Away From Having A Perfect Smile, Again!
I Couldn’t Be Happier About That Part.
It’s The Waiting In-Between PHASE I And PHASE II That’s The Killer.
I Do Feel Brilliant For Finally Pulling The Trigger, Plunking Down The Money I Can’t Afford To Burn In Any Way, And Getting ALL Of My Teeth Fixed.
Trust Me, Kids, Years And Years AND YEARS Of Acid Erosion Can Be Dentally Devastating.
I’m A Living, Breathing Poster-Board For It.
Sadly, I Also Am Feeling Very VERY Foolish.
Foolish Because I Have, More Or Less, Gone Into Total Hiding.
I Don’t Go Anywhere ((save my morning walks)).
I Don’t Meet Other People.
I Stay As Totally Off The Social Grid As Possible.
I’m Sad, Yes.
I’m Lonely, Yes.
I’m Going Out Of My Mind In The Want/Need To Spend Time With Those Other People I Care Deeply For.
But, As Foolish As This Exile Has Been…
…For Me, Personally Personally, It Has Been Bordering On Brilliant.
I’ve Looked Bad In The Past…
…But I Really Don’t Want People Seeing Me At My Absolute Worst.
I’m Far Toooooo Self-Conscious For That.
So, By Adding The Pains Of Loneliness…
…And Racing Thoughts…
…It Adds Up To A Bit Of The “Foolish Factor” Feeling.
BUT, By Removing The Pains Of Embarrassment…
…And Extreme Paranoia Due To The Overt Self-Conscious Issues…
…I’m Experiencing A Touch Of The Ole “Brilliance Factor” Feeling, Also.
…What Do You Think?
Am I Just Being Foolish??
Or, Is There Even A Hint Of Brilliance To It???
Do YOU Often Feel Like This????--Yeah. You. In The Back. Pretending Not To Be Reading Over The Other Person's Shoulder.--
Do YOU Often Feel Like This, My Peeps?????
My Curiosity Abounds!