So, Why Is Love So Hard For Me To Handle?

Well, My Peeps…

…I Have A Story To Tell You, And I’m Not Really Sure How To Tell It.

I Have To Take You Back In Time A Bit.

Back To A Time When I Was Fickle.

Back Before I Understood The True Impact…

…The True Meaning Of What Love Really Is.

I’m Taking You Back 10 Years.

Back When My Issues Really Began.

You See, I Dated Someone.

Someone Beautiful…

…Inside AND Outside.

Someone With A Sharp Mind…

…With The Kindest Heart…

…Someone Whom Truly Deserved The Best I Could Give Them.

Regardless Of Any Thing…

…They Deserved The Very Very Best.

They Deserved Better Than I Ever Could Give Them Was What I Eventually Decided.

We Met.

We Hit It Off Immediately.

We Quickly Became A Young Power-Couple.

I Quickly Fell In Love…

…And I Fell Very VERY Hard.

So Quickly And So Hard, In-Fact, That I Became Truly Terrified.

I Admit It, My Peeps, I Was Scared Shitless.

He Was Young.

He Was Physically Strong.

He Was Physically Hot.

He Was Emotionally Strong.

He Was Emotionally Complete.

And I Know He Loved Me.

He Loved Me Like No One Ever Had…

…Like No One Ever Has Since.

And, As I’ve Said, I Was Scared.

I Was Terrified.

And I Held Back.

I Did My Best Never To Tell Him Just How Much I Cared…

…Just How Much I Truly Loved Him.

I Never Let Him Know How Wonderful He Was.

How Special He Was.

How Much I Wanted Him.

How Much I Wanted To Protect Him.

So…

…The Decision Was Made By ME, Of Course.

The Decision Was Made To Spare This Guy.

The Best Way To Protect Him…

…The Best Way To Make Sure I Didn’t Eventually Do As I Always Do And Eventually Hurt Him.

The Decision Made Was To Let Him Go.

To Me, That Was The Best Thing I Could Do For Him.

I Couldn’t Let Him Into My World As I Wanted To…

…So I Did, What I Considered To Be, The Noble Thing.

I Walked Away.

I Pulled The Plug.

Right Or Wrong, That’s How It Eventually Went Down.

I Convinced Him I Wasn’t Happy.

I Convinced Him I Didn’t Really Want To Be With Him.

I Convinced Him I Only Ever Dated Him In The First Place Because I Saw Him As A Virtual Doppelganger To A Previous Love Of Mine.

I Did Everything I Could To Make Sure He Was Convinced I Was Serious.

That I Really Wanted out.

After A Few Tears…

…From Us Both…

…We Separated.

The Break-Up Actually Went Better Than I Expected It To.

We Parted Ways Later That Day.

I Haven’t Seen Him, Face To Face, Since.

But All Of This Was More The Preamble To The Meat Of The Story.

You See…

…Fast Forward A Few Months…

…I’m Sitting At Home.

A Simple, Quiet Evening.

I Was Feeling Tired.

I Was Feeling Lonely.

I Was Feeling Sorry For Myself…

…And For Things I’d Done Or Said.

Then The Phone Rang.

To My Astonishment, It Was Him.

He Was Contacting Me!

My Heart Literally Leaped!

I Couldn’t Have Been More Excited About The Prospect Of Hearing His Voice Again…

…His Sweet, Sweet Voice.

I’d Wanted To Hear His Voice So So Badly…

…I Was Just Too Stubborn To Call Him Myself.

Each Time I’d Considered Doing So, I Talked Myself Out Of It.

But Now…

…This Time…

…Here He Was.

That Phone-Call, Sadly, Would Become A Living Nightmare.

He Was Tearful.

His Voice Was Shaky.

He Was, Quite Frankly, Terrified.

And Then He Laid It On Me.

Shortly After We’d Broken-Up…

…He Did What Most Would Do In His Situation.

He Went Out.

He Partied.

He Had Fun.

He Did What He Could To Get Me Out Of His Head…

…Out Of His Heart.

So He Got Himself Laid.

He Put Me As Far Behind Himself As He Could.

He Was Experiencing Life Again.

And That’s All It Took.

The Phone-Call Wasn’t To Say Hello.

It Wasn’t To Say Hi, How Are You, What’s New.

It Was To Tell Me He’d Just Received Notice That He Was Now HIV+.

Hearing Him Say Those Words Took A Moment To Sink In.

And Then All Could Think To Do Was Cry.

It Nearly Killed Me When I Finally Wrapped My Head Around It All.

It Was My Fault.

My Fault He Felt The Way He Did.

My Fault He Was Put Into That Situation.

My Fault For Thinking With My Head And NOT My Heart.

Had I Listened To My Heart…

…Honestly…

…I Would Never Have Let Him Go.

We Truly Were Very Perfectly Suited To One-Another.

Had I Not Been Such A Chicken-Shit…

…Had I Not Been So Scared Of My Own Feelings…

…Had I Simply Led With My Heart And Emotions…

…This Would Never Have Happened.

It’s A Guilt I’ve Carried With Me For Nearly 10 Years, Now.

I Did Something I Know I Shouldn’t Have…

…For What I Justified As A Justifiable Reason…

…And Instead Of Protecting Him From Myself…

…I Failed To Protect Him From Anything.

I Just Made Things Worse.

I Destroyed His Life.

I Agonize Over This Event To This Very Day.

I Think About It A Lot.

I Think About How Foolish I Was.

I Think About How Much I Really Did Love Him.

I Think About How I Never Told Him How Much I Really Loved Him.

I Can See The Breakup In My Mind To This Day.

I Remember Every Word I Uttered To Him.

I Remember His Tears.

I Remember That Phone-Call.

I Remember His Tears.

I Remember How I Wanted To Curl-Up And Die When The Call Finally Ended.

How Could I Have Done That, My Peeps?

How Could I Have Been So Foolish To Think That My Loving Someone Was Going To Be Their Ultimate Destruction?

Especially Now.

Knowing That Had I Just Told Him Once How Much I Cared…

…How Much I Wanted Him…

…How Much I Needed Him…

…That This Horrid Outcome Would Never Have Happened.

He Would Be Happy AND Healthy.

He Would Be Living The Life He Should Be.

But Because Of My Actions…

…Because I Couldn’t Handle The Extreme Powers Of Real Love…

…I Made The Worst Decision Of My Young Existence.

I Just Wish I Could Fix It.

I Wish I’d Never Let Him Go.

I Wish This Horrid Outcome Had Never Taken Place.

But I Can’t.

I Can’t Change It.

I Can’t Take It Back.

I Just Have To Live With The Knowledge That Had I Been A Real Man…

…Had I Been Honest About My Feelings…

…This Would Never Have Happened.

As I Said…

…He Would Be Happy AND Healthy…

…And I Would Be Guilt Free.

My Life Fell Apart After That.

I Stopped Loving.

Truly Loving.

I Stopped Trusting.

I Stopped Letting People Into My Life.

Not For My Sake…

…But For Theirs.

I Still Miss Him A Lot.

I Still Wonder How He Is…

…How He’s Doing…

…And I Hope He’s Alright.

I Just Hope…

…One Day…

…He’ll Be Able To Forgive Me.

It Would Be Nice To Know.

Even Though I’ll Never Be Able To Forgive Myself.

I Broke His Heart.

And Then I Shattered My Own.

I’ve Regretted My Actions Every Single Day Since.

It’s 10 Years Later…

…Yet I Haven’t Moved On.

It’s Been Simply Impossible.

Impossible To Let Go.

Impossible To Forgive.

It’s Something I Don’t Believe He’ll Ever Get Over.

And I Know For A Fact It’s Something I’ll Never Get Over.

I Do Still Miss Him.

I Do Still Love Him.

And I Couldn’t Feel More Sorry About It Than I Do.

To This Day…

…I Remain So So Sorry.

Perhaps, One Day, We’ll Meet Again.

And On That Day, Perhaps I’ll Be Able To Come Clean.

To Tell Him How I Felt Then…

…How I Feel Now.

He Deserves To Know The Whole Story.

He Deserves To Know Why I Did What I Did.

I Thought I Was Saving Him By My Walking Away.

All I Did Was Destroy Him.

And…

…In Turn…

…I Destroyed Myself.

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12 responses to “So, Why Is Love So Hard For Me To Handle?

  1. Brad, You have huge guts putting yourself out there like this. I could never do it. Obviously, you are a much better person than you think, otherwise you wouldn’t care so much about what happened. I’m so sorry for your troubles, man. Wish I could do or say something profound and useful, but it would probably come out sounding like a fucking Hallmark card. You’re in our thoughts, man.
    - Bill

    Like

    • I Appreciate The Thoughts More Than You Know, Mr. Bill. That’s The Trouble With Digging Up Past Events. The One Thing You Can’t Do Is The Only Thing You Wanna Do… Change Them.
      Seems Like My Words Are All I Have To Offer, So That’s How I Handle Most Things These Days.
      I Only Wish I Could Talk To Him.
      Face To Face.
      So That He Could See How Sincere I Am In What I’ve Said. I Can’t Change Anything. But Maybe I Can Help Bring Understanding And Closure.
      In The End, That’s The Best I Could Really Hope For.
      I Just Doubt I Ever Get My Chance.
      Without Understanding, Without Closure, There Can Be No Forgiveness.
      At Least, Not For Me.
      Perhaps One Day I’ll Get Those Things.
      I Just Wish I Knew When.
      I Figured Getting It Off My Chest Like This Would Help In Some Way, And It Has A Bit.
      But It’s Not Everything I Want To Come From This.
      Not Yet.

      Thank You For Being A Pal, Mr. Bill.
      I Totally Appreciate It, Dude.
      -BRAD

      Like

  2. “I DON’T believe in GUILT, I believe in living on impulse as long as you never intentionally hurt another person, and don’t judge people in your life. I think you should live completely free.”

    Angelina Jolie

    Like

  3. The true meaning of love:
    You care enough about him to write and post this (which took incredible bravery!).

    We can’t undo our “young and foolish” misjudgements, but we can learn from them.
    You have. :)

    Like

  4. Brad, we all have regrets! You seem like an exceptionally sweet and very sensitive person. I’m truly sorry that you are in so much pain over your decision. Ten years is a hell of a long time to carry around that guilt. I hope you feel like some of it was lifted by writing about it.

    Like

  5. Wow, man–this was really brave. I feel for you.

    However, let me state EMPHATICALLY that you are not to blame for what happened to your friend. No, not at all. Not even a tiny bit. One of the things that makes us human beings is our ability to choose our response to stimuli. We’re not machines. If you punch me in the face (to use an example), I may not have any control over that fact, but I do have control over how I respond (my typical response in that situation is to go fetal).

    Likewise, your friend had a choice. I’m not trying to be hard on him, because it’s clear you love this guy, and it’s definitely okay to feel heartbroken over what happened, because he doesn’t deserve that (I was going to say ‘nobody deserves that,’ but I’m just not that pure). Your breaking up with him may have been the excuse he gave himself to engage in that kind of behavior (and I’m not judging man, I’ve done some stupid shit), but it was his choice and his alone. From what you said, it doesn’t sound like HE blames you (more proof that he’s an awesome dude).

    It’s not your fault. Let me put it one more way. Obviously, this guy is the bomb, but for the sake of argument, let’s say he was just okay, and you were thinking of breaking up with him because the spark just wasn’t there. If you somehow had foreknowledge of what would happen to him afterward, do you think it would be your responsibility to stay with a dude you didn’t love so that he didn’t harm himself? Of course not. So while you may have failed yourself in this instance (more about that in a moment), his mistakes are his own.

    Regarding your regrets over casting him away. Well, my man–we all make mistakes in love. I’ve fucked up more than a few relationships in my time, one of them being a true love situation. But my wife, who is the love of my life, is the beneficiary of all those mistakes. If I hadn’t made those mistakes, I wouldn’t know what I know now.

    Also, and I seriously believe this, and say it not to be flippant–everybody needs to get his or her heart broken at least once.

    Like

    • I Can’t Echo Enough How Much Your Friendship Means, Dude.
      You Keep Me In Check A Lot Of The Time, Which Is Very Important When It Comes To A Solid Friendship.
      And I Appreciate Your Words, RK.
      I Know There’s Plenty Of Meaning Behind Them.
      Thanks For It All, Dude.
      Much Much Appreciated.

      Like

  6. Aw, honey. (((hugs))) I understand regret and carrying around years of it and pain and self-hatred and loathing and so much more but this? This was not your fault. Everyone makes their own choices when things happen to them and that was his response. That isn’t on you. Keeping you in my thoughts <3

    Like

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