“I’ve Had A Lot Of Big Dreams…

…I’ve Made A Lot Of Bad Moves…

…I Know You Could Walk Away…

…But You Never Do. …“

…

“I’ve Met A Lot Of Cold Hearts…

…I’ve Learned To Smile And Deceive…

…I Know I’m Hard To Be Around…

…But You Never Leave. …“

…

“I’m Not Easy To Understand…

…But You Hold Out Your Hand. …“

…

“And You Say You Love Me…

…JUST AS I AM…

…You Always Treat Me…

…The Best That You Can…

…You Say You Want Me…

…Need Me…

…Love Me, Baby…

…JUST AS I AM…

…JUST AS I AM. …“

… … …

… …

…

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At This Point In Life…

…Honestly…

…One Would Think I’d Have A Few Things Figured Out.

And I Do.

In Many Many MANY Ways…

…I Really Really REALLY Do.

But…

…When We Delve Deeply Into The World Of “Personal-Relationships”…

…I Still See Myself As A Fumbling, Bumbling Beginner.

Dammit, I KNOW…

…I FEEL…

…There’s Simply NO WAY On Hell’s Half-Acre I Can Be This Damned Clueless About Such An Encompassing Subject.

I May Suck-Ass At Mathematics…

…But I’m A Wiz At History…

…Literature…

…Writing…

…Reading…

…Critiquing The Writing And Reading Of Others…

…And On…

…And On…

…And On And On And On.

And Yet…

…When It Comes To Matters Of The Heart…

…I Sincerely Feel As Inept And Clueless NOW…

…As I Did 20+Years Ago.

I’m Not The Smartest Man Alive…

…And I’m Far From Being The Dumbest…

…Yet I Seem To Have Met My Match…

…Literal AND Proverbial…

…When It Comes To Love.

And THAT ADMISSION Has Me Royally Cheesed-Off, My Peeps.

Admitting A Failing…

…To Me…

…Is Like Inviting The Plague Into My Home Thinking It’s Actually My Aunt Stopping By For A Visit.

EXACTLY.

They’re About A Mile-Wide In Difference…

…Yet Feel Exactly The Same.

And It Gnaws At Me.

With Every Passing Moment, It Does So.

How Can I Be So Goddamn Clueless???

How Can I Be So Smug, And Feel Justified In My Smugness…

…When I Can’t Figure-Out Simple Human Emotion.

There Truly Are Days When I Feel Like “DATA” From STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION.

And No, That’s Not A Joke.

I’m Serious.

He’s Doomed To Simply Trying To Understand Something He Doesn’t Really Have.

Well…

…I’m Similar In The Way That I’ve Been Struggling My Whole Life To Understand Them…

…And…

…At THIS Moment…

…I Feel Like A Babe In The Woods All Over Again.

Each Time I THINK I’ve Figured Something Out…

…I Get The Ole 12-To-6 Curveball…

…And I End-up Flat On My Ass.

Happens Each AND Every Time.

Perhaps My Failing Isn’t The Not-Understanding Part…

…But More-So…

…The Not-Expecting Part.

???

Maybe???

I’m Thinkin’ Maybe On This One.

Fo SHO, My Peeps.

Maybe, It Shall Be.

But Even That Little Answer Is As Wishy-Washy As I Can Plainly Put It.

For Most Things In Life, There Is NO Maybe.

Things ARE Or ARE-NOT.

A Thing IS Or IS-NOT.

Only Humans Could Invent Something So Non-Answering As MAYBE.

Trust Me, My Peeps…

…I’m A Card-Carrying PROFESSIONAL In Regard To “Non-Answers”…

…Maybe.

ANYWAY…

…I’m Sorry…

…I’m Drifting From My Point For Having Written This Piece In The First Place.

LOVE.

LOVE Is My Point Of Points.

Just What Exactly Is LOVE, My Peeps?!?

To Be Honest…

…I Haven’t The Foggiest.

And The Answer Seems To Change With Each Person Asked.

Everyone Has Their Own Idea…

…Or Ideals…

…Or Way…

…Or Shape…

…Or Form…

…Or Feeling…

…Or Non-Feeling.

Some Think Of It As Simply “Someone I Can Talk To When I’m Down/Hurting.”

Others Think Of It As Simply “Someone I Go To When I Need That Extra Fortifying Touch Of Encouragement.”

And To Others, It’s “Someone They Go To When They Desire Physical Satisfaction.”

Alright…

…So…

…Which Of Those Am I?

Do People Come To Me When They’re Down Or Hurting?

Nope.

They Know Ahead Of Time I’m Likely To Be Very Frank With Them, And I’ll Just End-Up Making It Worse.

Do People Come To Me When They Need That Touch Of Encouragement?

Nope.

They Know Ahead Of Time I’m Exceptionally Critical, And I Don’t Know How To Sugar-Coat Anything, Especially When Sugar-Coating Is What’s Truly Called-For And/Or Desired.

Do People Come To Me To Aide In Feeling Physical Satisfaction?

HA HA HA

I’ll Leave That One With A Simple “Nope” And I’ll Carry-On.

So What’s Left?

Sitting At Home…

…Alone…

…Listening To The Sad Songs Of My Youth.

That’s What’s Left.

Regardless Of Where I Go, Or Don’t Go…

…Regardless Of What I Do, Or Don’t Do…

…I’m At Least Able To Retain That.

I Retain The Part Of Me That Simply LOVES Sappy-Ballads Of Yesteryear.

“JUST AS I AM“

by AIR SUPPLY

…Is…

…Without Any Doubt…

…One Of The Best Of The Sappy Sappy Best Best.

Period.

I’ve Known The Song The Bulk Of My Life…

…Thanks To My Mother…

…And The Rockin’ Sound-System She Had In  Our 1982 Buick Regal.

For It’s Time…

…The Car With PIMP.

But The Sound Thumping Through The Speakers Was Incredible.

Of Course…

…She’d Play Music That I Ended-Up LOVING.

BILLY JOEL

HUEY LEWIS And THE NEWS

MICHAEL JACKSON

…And YES Even…

AIR SUPPLY

!!! !!!

I Used To Make A Total Ass Of Myself When I’d Go To Karaoke Nights In Whichever Bar I Was In At That Time.

I’d Play Some Really Sappy Ballads And Would Just Wail Away At Them.

Sometimes For Better.

Sometimes For Worse.

But I Always Had Fun.

And The Audience All Called Me Vile Names.

And That Became Sort Of A Point Of Pride.

I Didn’t Think I Was Doing My Songs Right If I Didn’t Get At Least ONE Drink Thrown At Me By A Tanked-Ass Redneck.

My Friends In Attendance Always Said I Provoked The Situation.

Perhaps I Did.

Perhaps I Didn’t.

Guess That’s Another “MAYBE” Type Situation, Right?!

RIGHT!!!

I’m Going To Digress Now…

…As I Feel I’ve Lost Myself In A Ramble That Could Literally Go On And On For Days And Days.

Just Understand Me, My Peeps.

I Know What I Want.

I Know What I Can Get With Some Effort.

And I Know What I’ve Already Got.

The Question Truly Truly TRULY Is…

“What Are You Willing To Live With AND Accept, Bradley Alan?”

“What Makes You Happiest At The End Of The Day, When It’s All Said And Done?”

“What More Do You Honestly WANT?”

“What More Do You Honestly NEED?”

??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???

??? ??? ??? ???

???

Shit, My Peeps, Do I Ever Have A Bad Headache.

I Need A Drink.

Who’s Buying The First Round?!?

Goodnight, Kids.

Sleep Sweet.

Sleep Well.

Dream BETTER.